This is a difficult post to write, but writing helps me process things, so here it is. There are so many things on this issue that are in my heart and mind, but I won't be able to share them all. I have generally been staying out of it on social media, except for maybe a couple posts, I haven't felt like I've been able to, or that I even should, share my feelings on it. I feel that discussion is very good and I have always enjoyed conversing about different backgrounds with my friends, but on social media it ends up becoming more of an argument, and I feel that arguing is pointless and unedifying in nature.
I want to start off by saying that I LOVE THE BLACK COMMUNITY. SO SO MUCH! I always have and I always will- whether or not we agree on every little thing. ;0) So keep that in mind as you read this.
This morning, I was in the throws of discussing the BLM with my husband when our Time Warner Technician came to the door, who just happened to be a black man. He was really kind & hard working and did a great job working on our broken internet and, I will add, I would expect nothing less. He got me thinking more about how much I love black people. Then we went to church, and the beautiful & awesome Nayomi Thomas (a black woman in IHOPKC leadership) was speaking specifically about the racial tensions in America. (I highly recommend you going to the service archives and listening to her speak, here is a link.) God does things like this with me, and probably with many of you, when there is something pressing on my heart, that something (or in this case someones) will pop up over and over in my life.
I have to be honest, I came away with more questions than answers from the sermon, but I ended up crying through the last half of it because it touched my spirit in a very deep way. Honestly, I did not agree with everything she said, but I greatly appreciated what I felt her main point to be: that we need to get a conversation going between the white and black community and the white community needs to recognize the perceived systemic racism towards black people in America.
There were a couple questions addressed towards the white church:
1. Why are you, my white Christian brothers and sisters, silent?
2. Have you gone to your black brother or sister whom you've noticed is angry and asked them why? Asked them to talk about it?
My response to the first question was, "Because I don't know what to say. What do you need me to say?!" And to the second it was, "Yes, yes I have. Not to every single black friend of mine nor every one I run into, but I have friends I've discussed these issues with, and generally they have agreed with my sentiments. But I also would walk away feeling like I shouldn't have asked. Like they didn't want me to question them about their race or our different backgrounds. So, now you're telling me that you want me to ask?
I walked away having many questions and feeling many things; one of them was that I realized I feel hurt by the black community. I know, your response is probably something like, "What?! Why would you be hurt?" And, possibly, some of you are responding with, "Stop making it about yourself!" That is not my intention nor purpose, I am just sharing my journey.
I had no idea that I felt hurt by the black community until today and so I am still searching out the whys behind the what, but some possible reasons are-
*I have felt the sting of my race being used as a put down towards myself and even my black friends. *I have felt the sting of being made fun of because of being white.
*I have felt hurt when I've been told "white people can't dance." (I am a dancer, absolutely love to dance and I am good at it, so this has always been a sore spot for me.)
*I have felt anger and frustration when friends got more financial aid than I did, just because of their race; trust me just because I'm white does not mean that I could afford college. I am in debt more than I'd like to say.
*Lastly, I feel pain over trying to do the right thing and personally loving the black community but feeling like it's never enough.
These are not all of my experiences, though. In fact, more often than not, I have walked away from an encounter with someone from the black community (specifically talking of strangers) smiling and feeling very positive and happy. And I have had many close, wonderful black friends. I was even in a wedding for one of my black friends- the only white girl there- and I absolutely adored being there with her and her family. I was treated kindly, I thoroughly enjoyed them, I had a ton of fun and I'm pretty sure they felt the same way about me! :) Generally, when I'm talking with a black man or woman, unless I get a negative feeling towards me & aside from acknowledging our different backgrounds, I don't even think about the fact that they are black.
Apart from sharing my journey, the main reason I wanted to write this is I want to say that I recognize that I have not experienced the things that black people do almost every day. I realize that, without knowing it, I may have done or said things that came across as racist, even though it was not my intention.
We may not see eye to eye all the time, but my heart is full of regret and sorrow over the things that happen to people in the black community; it is not okay, is not God's heart for them and it needs to change. I do not know how to be a part of the change; all I know is that I want to apologize to the black community for any part I have personally played in your suffering. And I want to say again, that I absolutely love you, I enjoy talking with you, hanging out with you and learning about your thoughts, passions and opinions. I want things to change for you. I desire for our country to reach a place where we are not black, white, Asian, Hispanic or Native American, but we are all Americans whom love and honor each other in our differences.
Thank you for hearing my heart! Have a great day.
Susan :)
